My day by struggles lately and my safe sanctuary

So as I have been describing my daily life so I havent updated any information on my day by stuff, and what main problems been having lately.

So I do suffer from paranoid despression, schizophrenia, agoraphobia, and massive depressive disorder and to combine on to that I have bouts of bulimia mostly but has well as starvation/anorexia.

Lately the past few weeks have been to say the least the worst mentally. So much stuff has been going on I barely have left my house expect once for my niece birthday, and with that came problems, see I am attracted to my sisters fiance's sister, which happened before they got engaged. She happened to be there and i ended up sneaking out and making out with her while having a smoke. Needless to say we got caught and this caused a whole stir of emotions and arguments between our families. I truely do love this girl and she feels same way but with all the my sister and her fiance it is wrong and I get bouts of times where I cant think and i act first and idk how long i can keep going with this. So many times I want to kill myself already, thought multiple times before ever before meeting her and I have the suicide method down to a t. She also is in same boat as me as we both have depression and she wants to die also. Not sure where to go from there. Granted its the last time i am leaving my house anytime soon. Suffer major panic attach and anxiety and almost went to hospital since i may have overdosed on some of my anxiety meds.

This comes to now. For the past few weeks my paranoia and seeing the shadow man of which i posted drawing of appearing more and menacing. Been hearing more and more crying whispers and screaming in my head and I already fear sleeping in my bedroom at night and gotta have lights on tv and radio. So I have moved to my safety spot which is my closet and for the past few weeks have not left my closet except for bathroom. Even to paranoid to grab food or leave closet so I basically just been drinking water, taking different meds, and pot. And in order to feel safe I have been wearing a old face mask of mine that i made a while back and dont remember the last time i took it off, it gives me a feeling of comfort or safety and in my head makes me think that maybe the voices and shadows wont come for me if i look different. IDK i am so lost and just want to go ahead and get along with my suicide and this all this shit behind.

Anyways sorry for such a long post here are some picture

Mask I wear daily and my safe sanctuary