My day by struggles lately and my safe sanctuary

So as I have been describing my daily life so I havent updated any information on my day by stuff, and what main problems been having lately.

So I do suffer from paranoid despression, schizophrenia, agoraphobia, and massive depressive disorder and to combine on to that I have bouts of bulimia mostly but has well as starvation/anorexia.

Lately the past few weeks have been to say the least the worst mentally. So much stuff has been going on I barely have left my house expect once for my niece birthday, and with that came problems, see I am attracted to my sisters fiance's sister, which happened before they got engaged. She happened to be there and i ended up sneaking out and making out with her while having a smoke. Needless to say we got caught and this caused a whole stir of emotions and arguments between our families. I truely do love this girl and she feels same way but with all the my sister and her fiance it is wrong and I get bouts of times where I cant think and i act first and idk how long i can keep going with this. So many times I want to kill myself already, thought multiple times before ever before meeting her and I have the suicide method down to a t. She also is in same boat as me as we both have depression and she wants to die also. Not sure where to go from there. Granted its the last time i am leaving my house anytime soon. Suffer major panic attach and anxiety and almost went to hospital since i may have overdosed on some of my anxiety meds.

This comes to now. For the past few weeks my paranoia and seeing the shadow man of which i posted drawing of appearing more and menacing. Been hearing more and more crying whispers and screaming in my head and I already fear sleeping in my bedroom at night and gotta have lights on tv and radio. So I have moved to my safety spot which is my closet and for the past few weeks have not left my closet except for bathroom. Even to paranoid to grab food or leave closet so I basically just been drinking water, taking different meds, and pot. And in order to feel safe I have been wearing a old face mask of mine that i made a while back and dont remember the last time i took it off, it gives me a feeling of comfort or safety and in my head makes me think that maybe the voices and shadows wont come for me if i look different. IDK i am so lost and just want to go ahead and get along with my suicide and this all this shit behind.

Anyways sorry for such a long post here are some picture

Mask I wear daily and my safe sanctuary

Relapse but also on of best nights in long time

So my day has not been so good lately with all my paranoia kicking in and feeling of being constantly followed by shadow man 2, chilled at friends house and ended up relapse on H after 2 years sober. I do regret it but feel like i have control not to do it again. But have to say its been on of the most relaxing and mindless day ever in long time. I get to finally chill with some Addie, temazepam and bit of wine and marathon through so of my favorite anime. So not much else to say at the moment, just frustrated at the same time. Sucks not having anyone to talk to still. No one wants to text me or kik me at all. Just wish I had someone to talk to or to vent to, just have normal conversations.

Sorry been gone for such long time, rough times hospitalization

so the more and more I dont keep up this blog i feel so bad. I have been meaning to but lately I hae gotten to the point where I was a danger to myself and ended up in the psych ward and then more therapy and then went to a 45 day rehab center, which dd not work. I have had no motivation to do anything but sleep during day and stay up all night paranoid to point that i bult a faraday cage in my room to get rid of all elctronic signal. I have finally started to come out of this big episode of psychosis but still strugling bad and need to get back to finding friends to talk to due to being so lonely and have no way to vent. anyways this is just a starting post to let people know that I am back, also here is a picture ive worked on.