Soooo yea I know I have not posted in a while even though I said I want to keep up with this daily. I feel like such a failure. Main reason I haven't posted is one my laptop went to crap and we lost our internet. Also I went to the doctors and my doctor decided to take me off my ADHD meds/Adderall and so I lost like all my energy and focus to do anything but lay in bed and do nothing. I don't think I have left my house in almost 2 weeks. Doctor did put me on Xanax for my panic attacks but I am on such a low dosage that it does not seem to be working. I have been in process of finding a new doctor as well since I have always had problems with the current one.
Had another appointment with therapist and finally got a psychologist. The only thing is that I am on my parents insurance and it ends on october 29th my birthday this year, so I only have one appointment with my psychologist and need to find new insurance so hopefully I get on this thing called Michigan healthy plan since it says that as long as I am not making more then $13,000 a year which I am not that I am eligible. Buuuutttt from what I have been looking at it might not work to see a psychologist, so got to call the department of health tomorrow.
The psychologist I say once said that based on what my therapist said and what she knows from what I told her that I can finally get put on some type of anti-psychotic/schizophrenia meds which I am happy about since that is what I been trying to get for so long. Also said that once I get my insurance I may be able to get put on disability as long as I do not work except for online work, which works for me since my main income is from online work that I do.
So besides all of that, I have been getting more paranoid lately and back to abusing prescription drugs. :(
also I still have that little bit of heroin that my dealer gave me and still have been fighting urge to not use it since I have been clean for so long but it is soooooo damn tempting. With the paranoia getting worse again this week I have had to use black out paper to cover my windows and the rest of the mirrors around the house, as well as not being able to walk in hallway if a door is open from any of the rooms. When I take a shower I also have to leave the curtain mostly open due to the paranoia/fear that someone is on the other side of it, and I can't turn my back around in shower due to feeling like someone is standing behind me.
I tried venturing out of the house the other day to see my niece since it has been so long and I got as far as a few miles down the highway before I had to have my mom turn around and take me home due to having panic attacks again. Starting to feel like my agoraphobia is getting worse. (which agoraphobia is "extreme or irrational fear of crowded spaces or enclosed public places" ) so that is another issue.
I have just been trying to keep myself busy at home trying to stay calm and just watch movies, but now that laptop is not working all I have is Netflix and amazon instant video. Also I want so bad to play video games because I can be distracted so easily playing them and not feel fear or paranoid and hours will fly by, but I do not own a system anymore since my Xbox got the red ring of death. On a good note though is my mom said she is going to order me the new 3DS for my birthday and get 2 games so that will keep me occupied and busy for a while and hopefully help keep me calm and distracted from the voices/paranoia/shadows.
I know this post is all random and jumbled, sorry for that I am not the best at writing. Our Florida trip is coming up really soon and we are going with my sister and her fiance, which her fiance and I do not get along AT ALL! and we are driving from Michigan which is nothing new since I drive to Florida once a year for vacation. The trip down is going to miserable with her fiance going, but the good thing is is that he is driving his own car down and my mom will be switching with him driving so I will be able to drive our jeep by MYSELF which will be the best thing for me since I feel at my most comfortable/calm when I am driving and can just put on some of my own music, put windows down and just cruise.
Still struggling with my Eating Disorder, but good this is that it has helped me lose quite a bit of weight for the trip, but negative is that I have a big electrolyte imbalance, but I will figure that out, probably try getting powerade powder and keep drinking that to get more electrolytes.
Anyways long post, but will hopefully be able to post more now and really try to post daily, I need to hold myself to it. If there is anyone that can kik me at Lurkingecho and maybe help hold me responsible to update this blog daily I would greatly appreciate. And if anyone is reading from MPA message me on there.
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