Soo wow been a really tough day. First last week when I went to my doctors she took me off my Adderall thinking that it was part of my insomnia which I had already told her wasnt. so now I am struggling to get by and focus or do anything. Usually I will read or watch movies or tv and lately I have just not been able to do anything and just keep getting waves of bad depression to the point where I stay in bed pretty much all day long except for using the bathroom.
Tonight and last night the voices got worse. I ended up sitting out on my balcony with my ears covered screaming to get out, leave me alone, I don't want to join you and was hitting my head with my fist and this happened for about 30 minutes from what my mom told me.
As for tonight I am wide awake and am hearing the voices so much more loudly and seeing the shadows again rising up in corner of my room and the other at the foot of my bed. I tried leaving me room to go in to the bathroom for rest of night but I am also hearing steps out in hallway and the lights are out so that takes away my chances of leaving the room.
Sticking to just keeping calm take some Xanax and try to focus on music and browsing MPA. The last 2 weeks I have also been struggling really bad with my Anorexia/BED. I know it is a weird combo but it has been rough lately and been stuck between bingeing on food and then purging it all, or I will just not eat anything for days except tea and a piece of fruit or some broccoli.
Anyways not sure what else to put in here tonight. The Florida trip is coming up and my sisters fiance who I hate and he hates me are causing more and more stress for this trip and driving down, and yet again he gets a free ride there and it all lands on me. Trying to convince my doctor to set me back up with my adderall again for the trip since there is no way i will be able to focus driving down there or focus in the parks, specially with this mental issues and my panic attacks. The bad thing is that I have one last appointment with her on the 28th day before my birthday and if she does not refill it then, then I will no longer have insurance since I am still on my dads which ends on my 26 birthday this year. Which means I will not be able to find the psychiatrist that I need to get my meds and studys done that I need, and no insurance so I can't go check in to rehab or psych ward without being more in debt. which from all my stays and hospital visits alone and the studys I am already behind and am in $110,000 in hospital bills alone.
Anyways that is it for tonight. Trying to get some new blackout poetry and drawings uploaded to the computer to post, hopefully will get that going this week.
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