Falling Behind, Deep Dep a ression

I am feeling really bad lately. I really want to keep up on this blog but I feel like no one really ever reads it and just been going on benders lately again, and can't seem to get out of bed or lacking motivation to even turn on laptop to update. 
So lately I have gotten to a new low of depression. I went to the bar the other day to hang out with a long lost friend and thought everything would be good. It started out perfect and fun but the more the night progressed the more my friend would piss me off and annoy me saying stuff like my schizophrenia and paranoid depression is all in my head and to just get over it. As well as saying that he noticed my scars on my wrist from my attempted suicide and that I am such a bitch and that he no longer wants to see me ever again since I am quote "being emo" and doing it all for attention, which is bullshit. I ended up getting trashed and my friend ended up leaving me at the bar. I had no one to call to come pick me up and the bar closed so I ended up walking up which was about 7 miles. I got to the cemetary about half way from bar to my house and ended up sitting near my grandparents grave and just comepletely broke down crying since I feel like there death was all my fault still and my family blames me for it. It was a house fire and I was suppose to be home when it happend but I ended up going to see a movie instead and thats when the house fire happend and we lost them. My grandpa was the closest person to me, he basically was my father since my dad left at such a young age. No one understands how badly I miss them. I ended up falling asleep in the cemetary, and woke up to my phone ringing at 6am from my mom wondering where I was. 
Since then the last few days I have been able to do absolutely nothing. I have laid in bed watching movies and not even had any motivation to eat. I probably have had 500 calories the last 3 days. The only time I got out of the house was to get some pills, and weed. my buddy also gave me some Heroin which I have been sober for so long, but still have it sitting in my tin and am so close to using again. 

I dont know where to go from here. just wanted to give a update for anyone that may be reading, if not at least I can get some of this stuff off my chest and not have to worry about all the people judging me.