So as I said in my previous post that I wanted to keep on track of my posting everyday. Well that has not quite worked. It has been a tough couple weeks, Internet got disconnected, and my phone got shut off.
I also have been going through bad withdrawals these last couple weeks or so and the only thing keeping me a float is the few bucks I have to buy cheap alcohol.
Good news though is that today Oct. 29th is my 26th birthday. I was able to get some meds finally and am spending my night alone in my room, trying to stay not paranoid and drown out the voices, by watching some movies and chillin with some Adderall, Temazepam, Alcohol, and dip. So far pretty good.
This weekend for Halloween I am not sure what I plan on doing, but will most likely be going to a bar to get some cheap drinks and at least try to venture out of the house.
Also our Florida trip to meet up with family is next Friday and so far not looking forward to it due to so many complications with my sisters fiance, so we will see how that goes. At least when we get down there I will have a free shuttle to parks as well as Epcot passport for Drinking around the world. 9 pints in one day, plus the extra money I have saved up so I can take free shuttle places and just get drunk and hangout around the parks and the pool at the condo.
Anyways not much to say tonight, just wanted to start getting back to posting more often now that internet and phone is back.
Been working on more blackout poetry so will be uploading some of those soon.
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Friday, October 16, 2015
Rough Day and Losing my Insurance
Soo wow been a really tough day. First last week when I went to my doctors she took me off my Adderall thinking that it was part of my insomnia which I had already told her wasnt. so now I am struggling to get by and focus or do anything. Usually I will read or watch movies or tv and lately I have just not been able to do anything and just keep getting waves of bad depression to the point where I stay in bed pretty much all day long except for using the bathroom.
Tonight and last night the voices got worse. I ended up sitting out on my balcony with my ears covered screaming to get out, leave me alone, I don't want to join you and was hitting my head with my fist and this happened for about 30 minutes from what my mom told me.
As for tonight I am wide awake and am hearing the voices so much more loudly and seeing the shadows again rising up in corner of my room and the other at the foot of my bed. I tried leaving me room to go in to the bathroom for rest of night but I am also hearing steps out in hallway and the lights are out so that takes away my chances of leaving the room.
Sticking to just keeping calm take some Xanax and try to focus on music and browsing MPA. The last 2 weeks I have also been struggling really bad with my Anorexia/BED. I know it is a weird combo but it has been rough lately and been stuck between bingeing on food and then purging it all, or I will just not eat anything for days except tea and a piece of fruit or some broccoli.
Anyways not sure what else to put in here tonight. The Florida trip is coming up and my sisters fiance who I hate and he hates me are causing more and more stress for this trip and driving down, and yet again he gets a free ride there and it all lands on me. Trying to convince my doctor to set me back up with my adderall again for the trip since there is no way i will be able to focus driving down there or focus in the parks, specially with this mental issues and my panic attacks. The bad thing is that I have one last appointment with her on the 28th day before my birthday and if she does not refill it then, then I will no longer have insurance since I am still on my dads which ends on my 26 birthday this year. Which means I will not be able to find the psychiatrist that I need to get my meds and studys done that I need, and no insurance so I can't go check in to rehab or psych ward without being more in debt. which from all my stays and hospital visits alone and the studys I am already behind and am in $110,000 in hospital bills alone.
Anyways that is it for tonight. Trying to get some new blackout poetry and drawings uploaded to the computer to post, hopefully will get that going this week.
Tonight and last night the voices got worse. I ended up sitting out on my balcony with my ears covered screaming to get out, leave me alone, I don't want to join you and was hitting my head with my fist and this happened for about 30 minutes from what my mom told me.
As for tonight I am wide awake and am hearing the voices so much more loudly and seeing the shadows again rising up in corner of my room and the other at the foot of my bed. I tried leaving me room to go in to the bathroom for rest of night but I am also hearing steps out in hallway and the lights are out so that takes away my chances of leaving the room.
Sticking to just keeping calm take some Xanax and try to focus on music and browsing MPA. The last 2 weeks I have also been struggling really bad with my Anorexia/BED. I know it is a weird combo but it has been rough lately and been stuck between bingeing on food and then purging it all, or I will just not eat anything for days except tea and a piece of fruit or some broccoli.
Anyways not sure what else to put in here tonight. The Florida trip is coming up and my sisters fiance who I hate and he hates me are causing more and more stress for this trip and driving down, and yet again he gets a free ride there and it all lands on me. Trying to convince my doctor to set me back up with my adderall again for the trip since there is no way i will be able to focus driving down there or focus in the parks, specially with this mental issues and my panic attacks. The bad thing is that I have one last appointment with her on the 28th day before my birthday and if she does not refill it then, then I will no longer have insurance since I am still on my dads which ends on my 26 birthday this year. Which means I will not be able to find the psychiatrist that I need to get my meds and studys done that I need, and no insurance so I can't go check in to rehab or psych ward without being more in debt. which from all my stays and hospital visits alone and the studys I am already behind and am in $110,000 in hospital bills alone.
Anyways that is it for tonight. Trying to get some new blackout poetry and drawings uploaded to the computer to post, hopefully will get that going this week.
Sunday, October 11, 2015
Sorry for no new posts lately
Soooo yea I know I have not posted in a while even though I said I want to keep up with this daily. I feel like such a failure. Main reason I haven't posted is one my laptop went to crap and we lost our internet. Also I went to the doctors and my doctor decided to take me off my ADHD meds/Adderall and so I lost like all my energy and focus to do anything but lay in bed and do nothing. I don't think I have left my house in almost 2 weeks. Doctor did put me on Xanax for my panic attacks but I am on such a low dosage that it does not seem to be working. I have been in process of finding a new doctor as well since I have always had problems with the current one.
Had another appointment with therapist and finally got a psychologist. The only thing is that I am on my parents insurance and it ends on october 29th my birthday this year, so I only have one appointment with my psychologist and need to find new insurance so hopefully I get on this thing called Michigan healthy plan since it says that as long as I am not making more then $13,000 a year which I am not that I am eligible. Buuuutttt from what I have been looking at it might not work to see a psychologist, so got to call the department of health tomorrow.
The psychologist I say once said that based on what my therapist said and what she knows from what I told her that I can finally get put on some type of anti-psychotic/schizophrenia meds which I am happy about since that is what I been trying to get for so long. Also said that once I get my insurance I may be able to get put on disability as long as I do not work except for online work, which works for me since my main income is from online work that I do.
So besides all of that, I have been getting more paranoid lately and back to abusing prescription drugs. :(
also I still have that little bit of heroin that my dealer gave me and still have been fighting urge to not use it since I have been clean for so long but it is soooooo damn tempting. With the paranoia getting worse again this week I have had to use black out paper to cover my windows and the rest of the mirrors around the house, as well as not being able to walk in hallway if a door is open from any of the rooms. When I take a shower I also have to leave the curtain mostly open due to the paranoia/fear that someone is on the other side of it, and I can't turn my back around in shower due to feeling like someone is standing behind me.
I tried venturing out of the house the other day to see my niece since it has been so long and I got as far as a few miles down the highway before I had to have my mom turn around and take me home due to having panic attacks again. Starting to feel like my agoraphobia is getting worse. (which agoraphobia is "extreme or irrational fear of crowded spaces or enclosed public places" ) so that is another issue.
I have just been trying to keep myself busy at home trying to stay calm and just watch movies, but now that laptop is not working all I have is Netflix and amazon instant video. Also I want so bad to play video games because I can be distracted so easily playing them and not feel fear or paranoid and hours will fly by, but I do not own a system anymore since my Xbox got the red ring of death. On a good note though is my mom said she is going to order me the new 3DS for my birthday and get 2 games so that will keep me occupied and busy for a while and hopefully help keep me calm and distracted from the voices/paranoia/shadows.
I know this post is all random and jumbled, sorry for that I am not the best at writing. Our Florida trip is coming up really soon and we are going with my sister and her fiance, which her fiance and I do not get along AT ALL! and we are driving from Michigan which is nothing new since I drive to Florida once a year for vacation. The trip down is going to miserable with her fiance going, but the good thing is is that he is driving his own car down and my mom will be switching with him driving so I will be able to drive our jeep by MYSELF which will be the best thing for me since I feel at my most comfortable/calm when I am driving and can just put on some of my own music, put windows down and just cruise.
Still struggling with my Eating Disorder, but good this is that it has helped me lose quite a bit of weight for the trip, but negative is that I have a big electrolyte imbalance, but I will figure that out, probably try getting powerade powder and keep drinking that to get more electrolytes.
Anyways long post, but will hopefully be able to post more now and really try to post daily, I need to hold myself to it. If there is anyone that can kik me at Lurkingecho and maybe help hold me responsible to update this blog daily I would greatly appreciate. And if anyone is reading from MPA message me on there.
Had another appointment with therapist and finally got a psychologist. The only thing is that I am on my parents insurance and it ends on october 29th my birthday this year, so I only have one appointment with my psychologist and need to find new insurance so hopefully I get on this thing called Michigan healthy plan since it says that as long as I am not making more then $13,000 a year which I am not that I am eligible. Buuuutttt from what I have been looking at it might not work to see a psychologist, so got to call the department of health tomorrow.
The psychologist I say once said that based on what my therapist said and what she knows from what I told her that I can finally get put on some type of anti-psychotic/schizophrenia meds which I am happy about since that is what I been trying to get for so long. Also said that once I get my insurance I may be able to get put on disability as long as I do not work except for online work, which works for me since my main income is from online work that I do.
So besides all of that, I have been getting more paranoid lately and back to abusing prescription drugs. :(
also I still have that little bit of heroin that my dealer gave me and still have been fighting urge to not use it since I have been clean for so long but it is soooooo damn tempting. With the paranoia getting worse again this week I have had to use black out paper to cover my windows and the rest of the mirrors around the house, as well as not being able to walk in hallway if a door is open from any of the rooms. When I take a shower I also have to leave the curtain mostly open due to the paranoia/fear that someone is on the other side of it, and I can't turn my back around in shower due to feeling like someone is standing behind me.
I tried venturing out of the house the other day to see my niece since it has been so long and I got as far as a few miles down the highway before I had to have my mom turn around and take me home due to having panic attacks again. Starting to feel like my agoraphobia is getting worse. (which agoraphobia is "extreme or irrational fear of crowded spaces or enclosed public places" ) so that is another issue.
I have just been trying to keep myself busy at home trying to stay calm and just watch movies, but now that laptop is not working all I have is Netflix and amazon instant video. Also I want so bad to play video games because I can be distracted so easily playing them and not feel fear or paranoid and hours will fly by, but I do not own a system anymore since my Xbox got the red ring of death. On a good note though is my mom said she is going to order me the new 3DS for my birthday and get 2 games so that will keep me occupied and busy for a while and hopefully help keep me calm and distracted from the voices/paranoia/shadows.
I know this post is all random and jumbled, sorry for that I am not the best at writing. Our Florida trip is coming up really soon and we are going with my sister and her fiance, which her fiance and I do not get along AT ALL! and we are driving from Michigan which is nothing new since I drive to Florida once a year for vacation. The trip down is going to miserable with her fiance going, but the good thing is is that he is driving his own car down and my mom will be switching with him driving so I will be able to drive our jeep by MYSELF which will be the best thing for me since I feel at my most comfortable/calm when I am driving and can just put on some of my own music, put windows down and just cruise.
Still struggling with my Eating Disorder, but good this is that it has helped me lose quite a bit of weight for the trip, but negative is that I have a big electrolyte imbalance, but I will figure that out, probably try getting powerade powder and keep drinking that to get more electrolytes.
Anyways long post, but will hopefully be able to post more now and really try to post daily, I need to hold myself to it. If there is anyone that can kik me at Lurkingecho and maybe help hold me responsible to update this blog daily I would greatly appreciate. And if anyone is reading from MPA message me on there.
Sunday, October 4, 2015
Falling Behind, Deep Dep a ression
I am feeling really bad lately. I really want to keep up on this blog but I feel like no one really ever reads it and just been going on benders lately again, and can't seem to get out of bed or lacking motivation to even turn on laptop to update.
So lately I have gotten to a new low of depression. I went to the bar the other day to hang out with a long lost friend and thought everything would be good. It started out perfect and fun but the more the night progressed the more my friend would piss me off and annoy me saying stuff like my schizophrenia and paranoid depression is all in my head and to just get over it. As well as saying that he noticed my scars on my wrist from my attempted suicide and that I am such a bitch and that he no longer wants to see me ever again since I am quote "being emo" and doing it all for attention, which is bullshit. I ended up getting trashed and my friend ended up leaving me at the bar. I had no one to call to come pick me up and the bar closed so I ended up walking up which was about 7 miles. I got to the cemetary about half way from bar to my house and ended up sitting near my grandparents grave and just comepletely broke down crying since I feel like there death was all my fault still and my family blames me for it. It was a house fire and I was suppose to be home when it happend but I ended up going to see a movie instead and thats when the house fire happend and we lost them. My grandpa was the closest person to me, he basically was my father since my dad left at such a young age. No one understands how badly I miss them. I ended up falling asleep in the cemetary, and woke up to my phone ringing at 6am from my mom wondering where I was.
Since then the last few days I have been able to do absolutely nothing. I have laid in bed watching movies and not even had any motivation to eat. I probably have had 500 calories the last 3 days. The only time I got out of the house was to get some pills, and weed. my buddy also gave me some Heroin which I have been sober for so long, but still have it sitting in my tin and am so close to using again.
I dont know where to go from here. just wanted to give a update for anyone that may be reading, if not at least I can get some of this stuff off my chest and not have to worry about all the people judging me.
So lately I have gotten to a new low of depression. I went to the bar the other day to hang out with a long lost friend and thought everything would be good. It started out perfect and fun but the more the night progressed the more my friend would piss me off and annoy me saying stuff like my schizophrenia and paranoid depression is all in my head and to just get over it. As well as saying that he noticed my scars on my wrist from my attempted suicide and that I am such a bitch and that he no longer wants to see me ever again since I am quote "being emo" and doing it all for attention, which is bullshit. I ended up getting trashed and my friend ended up leaving me at the bar. I had no one to call to come pick me up and the bar closed so I ended up walking up which was about 7 miles. I got to the cemetary about half way from bar to my house and ended up sitting near my grandparents grave and just comepletely broke down crying since I feel like there death was all my fault still and my family blames me for it. It was a house fire and I was suppose to be home when it happend but I ended up going to see a movie instead and thats when the house fire happend and we lost them. My grandpa was the closest person to me, he basically was my father since my dad left at such a young age. No one understands how badly I miss them. I ended up falling asleep in the cemetary, and woke up to my phone ringing at 6am from my mom wondering where I was.
Since then the last few days I have been able to do absolutely nothing. I have laid in bed watching movies and not even had any motivation to eat. I probably have had 500 calories the last 3 days. The only time I got out of the house was to get some pills, and weed. my buddy also gave me some Heroin which I have been sober for so long, but still have it sitting in my tin and am so close to using again.
I dont know where to go from here. just wanted to give a update for anyone that may be reading, if not at least I can get some of this stuff off my chest and not have to worry about all the people judging me.
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