Perfect Night for Once in a Long Time

So today started off kinda crappy. I was all out of my meds, and started coming down with horrible sore throat and runny nose. Went and did some grocery shopping while waiting for my meds and ended up finding one of the Gundam anime collectors DVD that I have been looking for so that cheered me up tons. Got my pills and then stopped by the liquor store since I had a few extra dollars and have not had any alcohol in a while so decided to go old school and get myself a old MD 20/20 

After this I got home and so far everything is going good for once in a long while. I got no paranoia, no schizophrenia issues, not seeing or hearing anything, just finally a chill night with a few adderall, some MD 20/20, and some Gundam Anime. Everything is going great for once but mom kind of ruined it by buying me some of my favorite food ever CHINESE. Now this is where I get in to my Eating Disorder. Now my mom knows about it and is why she forces food on me like this but yet I still get away with it. I want you all to understand that Eating Disorders are a disease and not something you can stop easily. I struggled for a long time with Anorexia and being a male with a ED made my self esteem even lower. I already had a horrible shitty high school days being bullied, picked one, made of fun of, called names such as schitzo retard, pedophile, alcoholic, druggie etc. etc. So with my ED I started with anorexia and then when I ended up trying to get help and treated while in rehab for my self harm, I got out and ended up eating more which ended up with me having BED which stands for Binge Eating Disorder, trying to prove to everyone I changed when in reality I did not and knew this way of eating destroyed me inside. After a stint of BED I started gaining some weight back and this is what triggered to where I am at now, A Male Bulimic with Anorexia tendencies. Which means when I eat if i am around family I immediately purge my food, and when I eat alone no matter how low or high my calories are I will automatically puke it up which happens anywhere from 2-10 times a day. Now yes I know this is a bad idea and I have such a love hate relationship with it. Between Eating Disorders, Paranoid Depression, Massive Depressive Disorder, ADHD, Schizophrenia, and Self harm I feel like I cant be stopped and I can not live any other way, yet I fantasize about SUICIDE all the time. I have gone as far as attempting and having all my plans set up for when I know I am ready. 

I will say this it SUCKS not having anyone to talk to about anything or anyone to vent to. My family except my mom do not care and even have sent me to jail before. That is the reason I started this BLOG. In HOPES of finding someone anyone to just talk to to vent to and if no one is reading this or is and is struggling or willing to talk feel free to please KIK me Lurkingecho or email me Madmax2989@outlook.com. If not all is good at least I have here to vent. 

Thats all for now, sorry for such long post tonight, but over tonight is a good night