Got early Birthday gift. Going to Theater Bizarre!!!!!!!!!!!

So I just found out that someone sent me a ticket to Theater Bizarre this year in Detroit, and I am SUPER EXCITED. My birthday is Oct. 29th and my favorite holiday ever is Halloween. Theater Bizarre is something I always wanted to go to. I love it, its required to wear, steampunk or halloween costume. It is all themed like a dark carnival/freak show/ pure awesomeness. If you want to check out what it is check this event https://www.facebook.com/events/1595144864088137/or visit www.theatrebizarre.com

Rough time, Aliens/Paranormal IDK anymore

So this post will probably make me sound like a weirdo, but it has been rough lately. Usually 3-4 times a week I wake up with three scratch marks or pin like pricks on my leg or arm. Now the scratches I understand that I could possibly do that in my sleep, but not the pin pokes and not 3 in a row. Sometime it will happen even when I am awake and I will feel a burn and the see marks or pokes. It really freaks me out. I have been taking my overage of Adderall at night to keep myself awake since night time is the worse for me especially being home alone at night. Tonight will yet again be another hot, long, night of adderall temazepan and alcohol. I even ended up giving myself a few burns on my wrist to keep me sane tonight. I know none of this probably sounds good, but it is just how I am at the moment.

Perfect Night for Once in a Long Time

So today started off kinda crappy. I was all out of my meds, and started coming down with horrible sore throat and runny nose. Went and did some grocery shopping while waiting for my meds and ended up finding one of the Gundam anime collectors DVD that I have been looking for so that cheered me up tons. Got my pills and then stopped by the liquor store since I had a few extra dollars and have not had any alcohol in a while so decided to go old school and get myself a old MD 20/20 

After this I got home and so far everything is going good for once in a long while. I got no paranoia, no schizophrenia issues, not seeing or hearing anything, just finally a chill night with a few adderall, some MD 20/20, and some Gundam Anime. Everything is going great for once but mom kind of ruined it by buying me some of my favorite food ever CHINESE. Now this is where I get in to my Eating Disorder. Now my mom knows about it and is why she forces food on me like this but yet I still get away with it. I want you all to understand that Eating Disorders are a disease and not something you can stop easily. I struggled for a long time with Anorexia and being a male with a ED made my self esteem even lower. I already had a horrible shitty high school days being bullied, picked one, made of fun of, called names such as schitzo retard, pedophile, alcoholic, druggie etc. etc. So with my ED I started with anorexia and then when I ended up trying to get help and treated while in rehab for my self harm, I got out and ended up eating more which ended up with me having BED which stands for Binge Eating Disorder, trying to prove to everyone I changed when in reality I did not and knew this way of eating destroyed me inside. After a stint of BED I started gaining some weight back and this is what triggered to where I am at now, A Male Bulimic with Anorexia tendencies. Which means when I eat if i am around family I immediately purge my food, and when I eat alone no matter how low or high my calories are I will automatically puke it up which happens anywhere from 2-10 times a day. Now yes I know this is a bad idea and I have such a love hate relationship with it. Between Eating Disorders, Paranoid Depression, Massive Depressive Disorder, ADHD, Schizophrenia, and Self harm I feel like I cant be stopped and I can not live any other way, yet I fantasize about SUICIDE all the time. I have gone as far as attempting and having all my plans set up for when I know I am ready. 

I will say this it SUCKS not having anyone to talk to about anything or anyone to vent to. My family except my mom do not care and even have sent me to jail before. That is the reason I started this BLOG. In HOPES of finding someone anyone to just talk to to vent to and if no one is reading this or is and is struggling or willing to talk feel free to please KIK me Lurkingecho or email me Madmax2989@outlook.com. If not all is good at least I have here to vent. 

Thats all for now, sorry for such long post tonight, but over tonight is a good night

Back from the hospital

I know I have not been doing good at keeping up with my daily blog. I just got out of the hospital. I have been there the last few days due to a overdose and needing stiches since I carved the word Join on my leg. The word join follows me every second of the day I hear it whispered and yelled at me constantly in my head. Yet I still do not know what they want. Is it to join them in death? is it demons calling me to die and join them. It is so frustrating not knowing. The last few days have been so rough, while I was in the hospital I kept telling them please do not turn off my light at night and yet the refuse me and say all lights have to be out at night since there is someone else in the bed next to me. Needless to say I rarely slept. 

I am back home now though and got some new movies to watch so hopefully that will keep me distracted for the night. I wish I had someone to talk to or someone to text. Specially at night when it is the worst. If anybody is reading this feel free to message me on here or kik at Lurkingecho

Anyways tomorrow I plan on updating everyone on my Eating Disorder as well and how I have been coping with that. 

Thanks

Sorry for lack of updates

So it has been a few days since I have posted anything. The last few days have been really rough. I havent been able to really do anything, got hit with a bad wave of depression and barely even left the bed. I have lacked the motivation to do anything even watch tv. Feeling a bit better tonight a bit paranoid and having a overwhelming sense of something bad going to happen so plan on moving back in to the bathroom safe place. I know this is not much of a update but not much has been going on. Found out though that we are meeting the rest of my family down in orlando in november, so i need to start prepping myself for that which i am super nervous about since that side of the family does not like me that much and even tried putting me in jail, plus have to start planning for all the crowds in the parks and make sure i got all the stuff i need to make it through the anxiety.

Few More Blackout Poetry Done

So I don't have much to talk about tonight but here is a couple of my recent blackout poetry.

 

Another Sleepless Night

So today started off pretty good. Got to see my 8month old niece and play around for a couple hours. 
Towards 8pm however I started to get a overwhelming sense of being watched as well as hearing whispers of wind pass by my ear. For this I knew I could not stay in my room tonight. Not sure exactly what it is but there is lots of times where I get extremely more paranoid in my own room, specially at night. I also have a fear of windows at times and have one giant one in my room. 

So for tonight I went back into my safe place which is our second bathroom. I moved my padded back rest, and pillows against the wall and a padded single mattress on the floor. I brought in my laptop and TV and put headphones on and watched few videos, knowing that I still wont be able to sleep, but at least I felt safe. The bathroom is my always go to safe spot, and I spend lots of time in there as my bedroom, there has been times where I spent all week in there, gotta say its a nice set-up though I don't have to leave for anything.

Well it is 5:10am here and plan on just taking a shower and trying to relax till mom comes home from work at 8am.

Sorry been absent

So sorry have not posted in a few days. I had a minor overdose and resulted in a really bad psychotic episode where I could not control myself, and ended up in 72 hour hold.
The episode started at about 5am and started with a fast heartbeat of 122 and anxiety attack, which then led to paranoia, I felt claustrophobic, chest was tight, keep hearing noises of people running around me that I could not see. To top that off I was home alone and it was dark so it made me freak out even more. Felt like my head was spinning. Mom ended up calling me and talking to me for a bit to try and calm me down. She came home early and took me to ER where they said I had a minor OD on adderal and hydrocodone. With that plus my episode and previous self harm they put me on 72 hour hold.

I am home now and feeling better, heart rate is still fast so trying to calm that down, mom took adderall so going through some withdrawls. Taking it one day at a time for now. Sorry short post but will try to post later, I am tired for once from the meds I got in hospital.