Rough Day

Today has been a rough day. I was able to finally get some sleep for a few hours since my mom was home early. The day started out pretty good for the most part, I was able to finally get my room all picked up and cleaned. As the day went on I started feeling more and more depressed, having suicidal thoughts, so tried to calm down by watching some anime. I had to leave the house to go to the store with my mom and stayed out longer then planned, at the store I had a panick attack and had to run out to the car and calm down while mom finished shopping. Throughout the day my paranoia grew more and I started to see the shadows again. I think the meds I am on are not working as good as I hoped. Tonight I am again locked myself up in my room, and have resorted to taking a high dose of Adderal and a sleeping meds to hopefully put me back in to a spacey mood where I can try to not focus and be bothered by the whispers and shadow in corner of my room, so far I am a tad calmer. The shadow just hovers and I have the sense of someone paceing in the hallway. I will be trying to draw out the shadows tonight and try to capture to the best I can what I see, and will post them later. I have got a tad of a appetite back today but still only had about a cup of rice today. Good thing is I am slimming down. Anyways I know my post are kinda all over the place, and not many people will see them, but feels good to have somewhere to put out there how I feel.