Sampling Drawings and Blackout Poetry

Rough Day

Today has been a rough day. I was able to finally get some sleep for a few hours since my mom was home early. The day started out pretty good for the most part, I was able to finally get my room all picked up and cleaned. As the day went on I started feeling more and more depressed, having suicidal thoughts, so tried to calm down by watching some anime. I had to leave the house to go to the store with my mom and stayed out longer then planned, at the store I had a panick attack and had to run out to the car and calm down while mom finished shopping. Throughout the day my paranoia grew more and I started to see the shadows again. I think the meds I am on are not working as good as I hoped. Tonight I am again locked myself up in my room, and have resorted to taking a high dose of Adderal and a sleeping meds to hopefully put me back in to a spacey mood where I can try to not focus and be bothered by the whispers and shadow in corner of my room, so far I am a tad calmer. The shadow just hovers and I have the sense of someone paceing in the hallway. I will be trying to draw out the shadows tonight and try to capture to the best I can what I see, and will post them later. I have got a tad of a appetite back today but still only had about a cup of rice today. Good thing is I am slimming down. Anyways I know my post are kinda all over the place, and not many people will see them, but feels good to have somewhere to put out there how I feel.

First Entry My Story

This is my first entry and to be honest I am nervous. I don't release my issues to public often. Lets start with my story.

I have always known that something was off with me since around 6th grade, but it wasn't until a few years ago I really sought help, though it hasn't helped as much as I had hoped. I got diagnosed with a few things. 

• Massive Depressive Disorder
• Paranoid Depression
• Schizophrenia though be it on the low end
• ADHD
• Insomnia
• Lastly a form of Agoraphobia--Fear of being outside and around people or large crowds

The issues I face vary from day to day but mostly I feel constantly down on myself, and have huge trust issues.  Some of the issues I struggle with daily

• I am terrified of mirrors and have to have them covered with black paper at all times.
• Have to sleep with the lights on, TV on, and headphones in to keep me calm and drown out the stuff  I hear. Most of the times it is knocking sounds on doors and walls, footsteps in the hallway, and whispers. Lot of the whispers I can make out are Join, Come, DIE, Loser, and multiple growls, groans, dark male voice mumbling, and a woman who cries or whispers stuff I can not make out.
• I constantly feel like I am not in control of my own body, like someone has taken over me and all my thoughts and feelings of joy are pushed way back in my head and I find myself doing things that I don't know why.
• One of the things I do that I enjoy that gives me a sense of control and feeling something is by whipping myself on my back or burning with erasers and cutting be it not deep.
• I see shadows every where I go and always feel someone is watching or following me and find myself looking behind me a lot. When I go in public it is hard to do alone without someone t with me and I avoid public restrooms at most I can, unless again I am not alone. I have 3 shadows that stalk me and will try drawing them the best I can and post them next blog. 
• Last two things are I have lost my will to eat and it doesn't satisfy me anymore or even taste good when I do eat. Second I have insomnia and that comes with being to terrified at night when the dark haunts me and scares me. The only time I am able to sleep is when my mother gets home from her third shift job during the day around 10am, and when I do fall asleep it is only for 4 hours tops.

These are just some of the issues I face day to day. One of my main things I do to try to settle down and be calm is reading, blackout poetry which is where you take a book or magazine and blackout all but the words you want to write your poem from- again I will post photos of it on the next blog tomorrow.   

Well that is it for today. I will be updating this daily the best I can and Thank You for taking your time to read.