Back from long hiatus and vacation

So back with internet after a long hiatus due to a family vacation. My mom me sister and her fiance and baby all drove out to florida. I usually love driving and it is the one thing that makes me feel comfortable and at ease, but trying to drive from michigan to florida with sister and fiance and there baby can get pretty hectic and loud. Needless to say had to take plenty of xanax to avoid many panic attacks, but all in all did pretty good. 

The trip its self was not to bad. I got to spend a lot of time on my own, and ended up going to all 6 Disney World parks in 5 days by myself. All was good except for the few minor panic attacks and anxiety from being in crowded lines for a long time, Being around family the whole other time is different story. My mom and I did not agree on a lot of things and she kept getting mad at me for suffering some hallucinations saying that she thought it was all in my head and that it only happened at home. 

Well back home now and things are back to where they were and starting to struggle pretty bad at the moment. I am out of all my meds and have no insurance anymore. Before I left for the trip I had applied for medicaid insurance, and now that i am back they call and say that there was some issues and problems with my application and that it will take a month or so till I can get a appointment and insurance, so not sure how I am getting my meds at the moment, if I had money I would just get them refilled and pay full price but can not afford it. Anyways thought I would do a quick update. More to follow later.

Not keeping myself on task keeping these going. My Birthday today.

So as I said in my previous post that I wanted to keep on track of my posting everyday. Well that has not quite worked. It has been a tough couple weeks, Internet got disconnected, and my phone got shut off. 

I also have been going through bad withdrawals these last couple weeks or so and the only thing keeping me a float is the few bucks I have to buy cheap alcohol.

Good news though is that today Oct. 29th is my 26th birthday. I was able to get some meds finally and am spending my night alone in my room, trying to stay not paranoid and drown out the voices, by watching some movies and chillin with some Adderall, Temazepam, Alcohol, and dip. So far pretty good. 

This weekend for Halloween I am not sure what I plan on doing, but will most likely be going to a bar to get some cheap drinks and at least try to venture out of the house. 

Also our Florida trip to meet up with family is next Friday and so far not looking forward to it due to so many complications with my sisters fiance, so we will see how that goes. At least when we get down there I will have a free shuttle to parks as well as Epcot passport for Drinking around the world. 9 pints in one day, plus the extra money I have saved up so I can take free shuttle places and just get drunk and hangout around the parks and the pool at the condo. 

Anyways not much to say tonight, just wanted to start getting back to posting more often now that internet and phone is back.

Been working on more blackout poetry so will be uploading some of those soon.

Rough Day and Losing my Insurance

Soo wow been a really tough day. First last week when I went to my doctors she took me off my Adderall thinking that it was part of my insomnia which I had already told her wasnt. so now I am struggling to get by and focus or do anything. Usually I will read or watch movies or tv and lately I have just not been able to do anything and just keep getting waves of bad depression to the point where I stay in bed pretty much all day long except for using the bathroom. 

Tonight and last night the voices got worse. I ended up sitting out on my balcony with my ears covered screaming to get out, leave me alone, I don't want to join you and was hitting my head with my fist and this happened for about 30 minutes from what my mom told me. 

As for tonight I am wide awake and am hearing the voices so much more loudly and seeing the shadows again rising up in corner of my room and the other at the foot of my bed. I tried leaving me room to go in to the bathroom for rest of night but I am also hearing steps out in hallway and the lights are out so that takes away my chances of leaving the room. 

Sticking to just keeping calm take some Xanax and try to focus on music and browsing MPA. The last 2 weeks I have also been struggling really bad with my Anorexia/BED. I know it is a weird combo but it has been rough lately and been stuck between bingeing on food and then purging it all, or I will just not eat anything for days except tea and a piece of fruit or some broccoli. 

Anyways not sure what else to put in here tonight. The Florida trip is coming up and my sisters fiance who I hate and he hates me are causing more and more stress for this trip and driving down, and yet again he gets a free ride there and it all lands on me. Trying to convince my doctor to set me back up with my adderall again for the trip since there is no way i will be able to focus driving down there or focus in the parks, specially with this mental issues and my panic attacks. The bad thing is that I have one last appointment with her on the 28th day before my birthday and if she does not refill it then, then I will no longer have insurance since I am still on my dads which ends on my 26 birthday this year. Which means I will not be able to find the psychiatrist that I need to get my meds and studys done that I need, and no insurance so I can't go check in to rehab or psych ward without being more in debt. which from all my stays and hospital visits alone and the studys I am already behind and am in $110,000 in hospital bills alone.

Anyways that is it for tonight. Trying to get some new blackout poetry and drawings uploaded to the computer to post, hopefully will get that going this week.

Sorry for no new posts lately

Soooo yea I know I have not posted in a while even though I said I want to keep up with this daily. I feel like such a failure. Main reason I haven't posted is one my laptop went to crap and we lost our internet. Also I went to the doctors and my doctor decided to take me off my ADHD meds/Adderall and so I lost like all my energy and focus to do anything but lay in bed and do nothing. I don't think I have left my house in almost 2 weeks. Doctor did put me on Xanax for my panic attacks but I am on such a low dosage that it does not seem to be working. I have been in process of finding a new doctor as well since I have always had problems with the current one. 
Had another appointment with therapist and finally got a psychologist. The only thing is that I am on my parents insurance and it ends on october 29th my birthday this year, so I only have one appointment with my psychologist and need to find new insurance so hopefully I get on this thing called Michigan healthy plan since it says that as long as I am not making more then $13,000 a year which I am not that I am eligible. Buuuutttt from what I have been looking at it might not work to see a psychologist, so got to call the department of health tomorrow. 
The psychologist I say once said that based on what my therapist said and what she knows from what I told her that I can finally get put on some type of anti-psychotic/schizophrenia meds which I am happy about since that is what I been trying to get for so long. Also said that once I get my insurance I may be able to get put on disability as long as I do not work except for online work, which works for me since my main income is from online work that I do. 

So besides all of that, I have been getting more paranoid lately and back to abusing prescription drugs.  :(
also I still have that little bit of heroin that my dealer gave me and still have been fighting urge to not use it since I have been clean for so long but it is soooooo damn tempting. With the paranoia getting worse again this week I have had to use black out paper to cover my windows and the rest of the mirrors around the house, as well as not being able to walk in hallway if a door is open from any of the rooms. When I take a shower I also have to leave the curtain mostly open due to the paranoia/fear that someone is on the other side of it, and I can't turn my back around in shower due to feeling like someone is standing behind me. 

I tried venturing out of the house the other day to see my niece since it has been so long and I got as far as a few miles down the highway before I had to have my mom turn around and take me home due to having panic attacks again. Starting to feel like my agoraphobia is getting worse. (which agoraphobia is "extreme or irrational fear of crowded spaces or enclosed public places" ) so that is another issue.

I have just been trying to keep myself busy at home trying to stay calm and just watch movies, but now that laptop is not working all I have is Netflix and amazon instant video. Also I want so bad to play video games because I can be distracted so easily playing them and not feel fear or paranoid and hours will fly by, but I do not own a system anymore since my Xbox got the red ring of death. On a good note though is my mom said she is going to order me the new 3DS for my birthday and get 2 games so that will keep me occupied and busy for a while and hopefully help keep me calm and distracted from the voices/paranoia/shadows.

I know this post is all random and jumbled, sorry for that I am not the best at writing. Our Florida trip is coming up really soon and we are going with my sister and her fiance, which her fiance and I do not get along AT ALL! and we are driving from Michigan which is nothing new since I drive to Florida once a year for vacation. The trip down is going to miserable with her fiance going, but the good thing is is that he is driving his own car down and my mom will be switching with him driving so I will be able to drive our jeep by MYSELF which will be the best thing for me since I feel at my most comfortable/calm when I am driving and can just put on some of my own music, put windows down and just cruise.
 
Still struggling with my Eating Disorder, but good this is that it has helped me lose quite a bit of weight for the trip, but negative is that I have a big electrolyte imbalance, but I will figure that out, probably try getting powerade powder and keep drinking that to get more electrolytes.

Anyways long post, but will hopefully be able to post more now and really try to post daily, I need to hold myself to it. If there is anyone that can kik me at Lurkingecho and maybe help hold me responsible to update this blog daily I would greatly appreciate. And if anyone is reading from MPA message me on there.

Falling Behind, Deep Dep a ression

I am feeling really bad lately. I really want to keep up on this blog but I feel like no one really ever reads it and just been going on benders lately again, and can't seem to get out of bed or lacking motivation to even turn on laptop to update. 
So lately I have gotten to a new low of depression. I went to the bar the other day to hang out with a long lost friend and thought everything would be good. It started out perfect and fun but the more the night progressed the more my friend would piss me off and annoy me saying stuff like my schizophrenia and paranoid depression is all in my head and to just get over it. As well as saying that he noticed my scars on my wrist from my attempted suicide and that I am such a bitch and that he no longer wants to see me ever again since I am quote "being emo" and doing it all for attention, which is bullshit. I ended up getting trashed and my friend ended up leaving me at the bar. I had no one to call to come pick me up and the bar closed so I ended up walking up which was about 7 miles. I got to the cemetary about half way from bar to my house and ended up sitting near my grandparents grave and just comepletely broke down crying since I feel like there death was all my fault still and my family blames me for it. It was a house fire and I was suppose to be home when it happend but I ended up going to see a movie instead and thats when the house fire happend and we lost them. My grandpa was the closest person to me, he basically was my father since my dad left at such a young age. No one understands how badly I miss them. I ended up falling asleep in the cemetary, and woke up to my phone ringing at 6am from my mom wondering where I was. 
Since then the last few days I have been able to do absolutely nothing. I have laid in bed watching movies and not even had any motivation to eat. I probably have had 500 calories the last 3 days. The only time I got out of the house was to get some pills, and weed. my buddy also gave me some Heroin which I have been sober for so long, but still have it sitting in my tin and am so close to using again. 

I dont know where to go from here. just wanted to give a update for anyone that may be reading, if not at least I can get some of this stuff off my chest and not have to worry about all the people judging me.

Got early Birthday gift. Going to Theater Bizarre!!!!!!!!!!!

So I just found out that someone sent me a ticket to Theater Bizarre this year in Detroit, and I am SUPER EXCITED. My birthday is Oct. 29th and my favorite holiday ever is Halloween. Theater Bizarre is something I always wanted to go to. I love it, its required to wear, steampunk or halloween costume. It is all themed like a dark carnival/freak show/ pure awesomeness. If you want to check out what it is check this event https://www.facebook.com/events/1595144864088137/or visit www.theatrebizarre.com

Rough time, Aliens/Paranormal IDK anymore

So this post will probably make me sound like a weirdo, but it has been rough lately. Usually 3-4 times a week I wake up with three scratch marks or pin like pricks on my leg or arm. Now the scratches I understand that I could possibly do that in my sleep, but not the pin pokes and not 3 in a row. Sometime it will happen even when I am awake and I will feel a burn and the see marks or pokes. It really freaks me out. I have been taking my overage of Adderall at night to keep myself awake since night time is the worse for me especially being home alone at night. Tonight will yet again be another hot, long, night of adderall temazepan and alcohol. I even ended up giving myself a few burns on my wrist to keep me sane tonight. I know none of this probably sounds good, but it is just how I am at the moment.

Perfect Night for Once in a Long Time

So today started off kinda crappy. I was all out of my meds, and started coming down with horrible sore throat and runny nose. Went and did some grocery shopping while waiting for my meds and ended up finding one of the Gundam anime collectors DVD that I have been looking for so that cheered me up tons. Got my pills and then stopped by the liquor store since I had a few extra dollars and have not had any alcohol in a while so decided to go old school and get myself a old MD 20/20 

After this I got home and so far everything is going good for once in a long while. I got no paranoia, no schizophrenia issues, not seeing or hearing anything, just finally a chill night with a few adderall, some MD 20/20, and some Gundam Anime. Everything is going great for once but mom kind of ruined it by buying me some of my favorite food ever CHINESE. Now this is where I get in to my Eating Disorder. Now my mom knows about it and is why she forces food on me like this but yet I still get away with it. I want you all to understand that Eating Disorders are a disease and not something you can stop easily. I struggled for a long time with Anorexia and being a male with a ED made my self esteem even lower. I already had a horrible shitty high school days being bullied, picked one, made of fun of, called names such as schitzo retard, pedophile, alcoholic, druggie etc. etc. So with my ED I started with anorexia and then when I ended up trying to get help and treated while in rehab for my self harm, I got out and ended up eating more which ended up with me having BED which stands for Binge Eating Disorder, trying to prove to everyone I changed when in reality I did not and knew this way of eating destroyed me inside. After a stint of BED I started gaining some weight back and this is what triggered to where I am at now, A Male Bulimic with Anorexia tendencies. Which means when I eat if i am around family I immediately purge my food, and when I eat alone no matter how low or high my calories are I will automatically puke it up which happens anywhere from 2-10 times a day. Now yes I know this is a bad idea and I have such a love hate relationship with it. Between Eating Disorders, Paranoid Depression, Massive Depressive Disorder, ADHD, Schizophrenia, and Self harm I feel like I cant be stopped and I can not live any other way, yet I fantasize about SUICIDE all the time. I have gone as far as attempting and having all my plans set up for when I know I am ready. 

I will say this it SUCKS not having anyone to talk to about anything or anyone to vent to. My family except my mom do not care and even have sent me to jail before. That is the reason I started this BLOG. In HOPES of finding someone anyone to just talk to to vent to and if no one is reading this or is and is struggling or willing to talk feel free to please KIK me Lurkingecho or email me Madmax2989@outlook.com. If not all is good at least I have here to vent. 

Thats all for now, sorry for such long post tonight, but over tonight is a good night

Back from the hospital

I know I have not been doing good at keeping up with my daily blog. I just got out of the hospital. I have been there the last few days due to a overdose and needing stiches since I carved the word Join on my leg. The word join follows me every second of the day I hear it whispered and yelled at me constantly in my head. Yet I still do not know what they want. Is it to join them in death? is it demons calling me to die and join them. It is so frustrating not knowing. The last few days have been so rough, while I was in the hospital I kept telling them please do not turn off my light at night and yet the refuse me and say all lights have to be out at night since there is someone else in the bed next to me. Needless to say I rarely slept. 

I am back home now though and got some new movies to watch so hopefully that will keep me distracted for the night. I wish I had someone to talk to or someone to text. Specially at night when it is the worst. If anybody is reading this feel free to message me on here or kik at Lurkingecho

Anyways tomorrow I plan on updating everyone on my Eating Disorder as well and how I have been coping with that. 

Thanks

Sorry for lack of updates

So it has been a few days since I have posted anything. The last few days have been really rough. I havent been able to really do anything, got hit with a bad wave of depression and barely even left the bed. I have lacked the motivation to do anything even watch tv. Feeling a bit better tonight a bit paranoid and having a overwhelming sense of something bad going to happen so plan on moving back in to the bathroom safe place. I know this is not much of a update but not much has been going on. Found out though that we are meeting the rest of my family down in orlando in november, so i need to start prepping myself for that which i am super nervous about since that side of the family does not like me that much and even tried putting me in jail, plus have to start planning for all the crowds in the parks and make sure i got all the stuff i need to make it through the anxiety.

Few More Blackout Poetry Done

So I don't have much to talk about tonight but here is a couple of my recent blackout poetry.

 

Another Sleepless Night

So today started off pretty good. Got to see my 8month old niece and play around for a couple hours. 
Towards 8pm however I started to get a overwhelming sense of being watched as well as hearing whispers of wind pass by my ear. For this I knew I could not stay in my room tonight. Not sure exactly what it is but there is lots of times where I get extremely more paranoid in my own room, specially at night. I also have a fear of windows at times and have one giant one in my room. 

So for tonight I went back into my safe place which is our second bathroom. I moved my padded back rest, and pillows against the wall and a padded single mattress on the floor. I brought in my laptop and TV and put headphones on and watched few videos, knowing that I still wont be able to sleep, but at least I felt safe. The bathroom is my always go to safe spot, and I spend lots of time in there as my bedroom, there has been times where I spent all week in there, gotta say its a nice set-up though I don't have to leave for anything.

Well it is 5:10am here and plan on just taking a shower and trying to relax till mom comes home from work at 8am.

Sorry been absent

So sorry have not posted in a few days. I had a minor overdose and resulted in a really bad psychotic episode where I could not control myself, and ended up in 72 hour hold.
The episode started at about 5am and started with a fast heartbeat of 122 and anxiety attack, which then led to paranoia, I felt claustrophobic, chest was tight, keep hearing noises of people running around me that I could not see. To top that off I was home alone and it was dark so it made me freak out even more. Felt like my head was spinning. Mom ended up calling me and talking to me for a bit to try and calm me down. She came home early and took me to ER where they said I had a minor OD on adderal and hydrocodone. With that plus my episode and previous self harm they put me on 72 hour hold.

I am home now and feeling better, heart rate is still fast so trying to calm that down, mom took adderall so going through some withdrawls. Taking it one day at a time for now. Sorry short post but will try to post later, I am tired for once from the meds I got in hospital.

Sampling Drawings and Blackout Poetry

Rough Day

Today has been a rough day. I was able to finally get some sleep for a few hours since my mom was home early. The day started out pretty good for the most part, I was able to finally get my room all picked up and cleaned. As the day went on I started feeling more and more depressed, having suicidal thoughts, so tried to calm down by watching some anime. I had to leave the house to go to the store with my mom and stayed out longer then planned, at the store I had a panick attack and had to run out to the car and calm down while mom finished shopping. Throughout the day my paranoia grew more and I started to see the shadows again. I think the meds I am on are not working as good as I hoped. Tonight I am again locked myself up in my room, and have resorted to taking a high dose of Adderal and a sleeping meds to hopefully put me back in to a spacey mood where I can try to not focus and be bothered by the whispers and shadow in corner of my room, so far I am a tad calmer. The shadow just hovers and I have the sense of someone paceing in the hallway. I will be trying to draw out the shadows tonight and try to capture to the best I can what I see, and will post them later. I have got a tad of a appetite back today but still only had about a cup of rice today. Good thing is I am slimming down. Anyways I know my post are kinda all over the place, and not many people will see them, but feels good to have somewhere to put out there how I feel.

First Entry My Story

This is my first entry and to be honest I am nervous. I don't release my issues to public often. Lets start with my story.

I have always known that something was off with me since around 6th grade, but it wasn't until a few years ago I really sought help, though it hasn't helped as much as I had hoped. I got diagnosed with a few things. 

• Massive Depressive Disorder
• Paranoid Depression
• Schizophrenia though be it on the low end
• ADHD
• Insomnia
• Lastly a form of Agoraphobia--Fear of being outside and around people or large crowds

The issues I face vary from day to day but mostly I feel constantly down on myself, and have huge trust issues.  Some of the issues I struggle with daily

• I am terrified of mirrors and have to have them covered with black paper at all times.
• Have to sleep with the lights on, TV on, and headphones in to keep me calm and drown out the stuff  I hear. Most of the times it is knocking sounds on doors and walls, footsteps in the hallway, and whispers. Lot of the whispers I can make out are Join, Come, DIE, Loser, and multiple growls, groans, dark male voice mumbling, and a woman who cries or whispers stuff I can not make out.
• I constantly feel like I am not in control of my own body, like someone has taken over me and all my thoughts and feelings of joy are pushed way back in my head and I find myself doing things that I don't know why.
• One of the things I do that I enjoy that gives me a sense of control and feeling something is by whipping myself on my back or burning with erasers and cutting be it not deep.
• I see shadows every where I go and always feel someone is watching or following me and find myself looking behind me a lot. When I go in public it is hard to do alone without someone t with me and I avoid public restrooms at most I can, unless again I am not alone. I have 3 shadows that stalk me and will try drawing them the best I can and post them next blog. 
• Last two things are I have lost my will to eat and it doesn't satisfy me anymore or even taste good when I do eat. Second I have insomnia and that comes with being to terrified at night when the dark haunts me and scares me. The only time I am able to sleep is when my mother gets home from her third shift job during the day around 10am, and when I do fall asleep it is only for 4 hours tops.

These are just some of the issues I face day to day. One of my main things I do to try to settle down and be calm is reading, blackout poetry which is where you take a book or magazine and blackout all but the words you want to write your poem from- again I will post photos of it on the next blog tomorrow.   

Well that is it for today. I will be updating this daily the best I can and Thank You for taking your time to read.