My day by struggles lately and my safe sanctuary

So as I have been describing my daily life so I havent updated any information on my day by stuff, and what main problems been having lately.

So I do suffer from paranoid despression, schizophrenia, agoraphobia, and massive depressive disorder and to combine on to that I have bouts of bulimia mostly but has well as starvation/anorexia.

Lately the past few weeks have been to say the least the worst mentally. So much stuff has been going on I barely have left my house expect once for my niece birthday, and with that came problems, see I am attracted to my sisters fiance's sister, which happened before they got engaged. She happened to be there and i ended up sneaking out and making out with her while having a smoke. Needless to say we got caught and this caused a whole stir of emotions and arguments between our families. I truely do love this girl and she feels same way but with all the my sister and her fiance it is wrong and I get bouts of times where I cant think and i act first and idk how long i can keep going with this. So many times I want to kill myself already, thought multiple times before ever before meeting her and I have the suicide method down to a t. She also is in same boat as me as we both have depression and she wants to die also. Not sure where to go from there. Granted its the last time i am leaving my house anytime soon. Suffer major panic attach and anxiety and almost went to hospital since i may have overdosed on some of my anxiety meds.

This comes to now. For the past few weeks my paranoia and seeing the shadow man of which i posted drawing of appearing more and menacing. Been hearing more and more crying whispers and screaming in my head and I already fear sleeping in my bedroom at night and gotta have lights on tv and radio. So I have moved to my safety spot which is my closet and for the past few weeks have not left my closet except for bathroom. Even to paranoid to grab food or leave closet so I basically just been drinking water, taking different meds, and pot. And in order to feel safe I have been wearing a old face mask of mine that i made a while back and dont remember the last time i took it off, it gives me a feeling of comfort or safety and in my head makes me think that maybe the voices and shadows wont come for me if i look different. IDK i am so lost and just want to go ahead and get along with my suicide and this all this shit behind.

Anyways sorry for such a long post here are some picture

Mask I wear daily and my safe sanctuary

Relapse but also on of best nights in long time

So my day has not been so good lately with all my paranoia kicking in and feeling of being constantly followed by shadow man 2, chilled at friends house and ended up relapse on H after 2 years sober. I do regret it but feel like i have control not to do it again. But have to say its been on of the most relaxing and mindless day ever in long time. I get to finally chill with some Addie, temazepam and bit of wine and marathon through so of my favorite anime. So not much else to say at the moment, just frustrated at the same time. Sucks not having anyone to talk to still. No one wants to text me or kik me at all. Just wish I had someone to talk to or to vent to, just have normal conversations.

Sorry been gone for such long time, rough times hospitalization

so the more and more I dont keep up this blog i feel so bad. I have been meaning to but lately I hae gotten to the point where I was a danger to myself and ended up in the psych ward and then more therapy and then went to a 45 day rehab center, which dd not work. I have had no motivation to do anything but sleep during day and stay up all night paranoid to point that i bult a faraday cage in my room to get rid of all elctronic signal. I have finally started to come out of this big episode of psychosis but still strugling bad and need to get back to finding friends to talk to due to being so lonely and have no way to vent. anyways this is just a starting post to let people know that I am back, also here is a picture ive worked on. 

Back from long hiatus and vacation

So back with internet after a long hiatus due to a family vacation. My mom me sister and her fiance and baby all drove out to florida. I usually love driving and it is the one thing that makes me feel comfortable and at ease, but trying to drive from michigan to florida with sister and fiance and there baby can get pretty hectic and loud. Needless to say had to take plenty of xanax to avoid many panic attacks, but all in all did pretty good. 

The trip its self was not to bad. I got to spend a lot of time on my own, and ended up going to all 6 Disney World parks in 5 days by myself. All was good except for the few minor panic attacks and anxiety from being in crowded lines for a long time, Being around family the whole other time is different story. My mom and I did not agree on a lot of things and she kept getting mad at me for suffering some hallucinations saying that she thought it was all in my head and that it only happened at home. 

Well back home now and things are back to where they were and starting to struggle pretty bad at the moment. I am out of all my meds and have no insurance anymore. Before I left for the trip I had applied for medicaid insurance, and now that i am back they call and say that there was some issues and problems with my application and that it will take a month or so till I can get a appointment and insurance, so not sure how I am getting my meds at the moment, if I had money I would just get them refilled and pay full price but can not afford it. Anyways thought I would do a quick update. More to follow later.

Not keeping myself on task keeping these going. My Birthday today.

So as I said in my previous post that I wanted to keep on track of my posting everyday. Well that has not quite worked. It has been a tough couple weeks, Internet got disconnected, and my phone got shut off. 

I also have been going through bad withdrawals these last couple weeks or so and the only thing keeping me a float is the few bucks I have to buy cheap alcohol.

Good news though is that today Oct. 29th is my 26th birthday. I was able to get some meds finally and am spending my night alone in my room, trying to stay not paranoid and drown out the voices, by watching some movies and chillin with some Adderall, Temazepam, Alcohol, and dip. So far pretty good. 

This weekend for Halloween I am not sure what I plan on doing, but will most likely be going to a bar to get some cheap drinks and at least try to venture out of the house. 

Also our Florida trip to meet up with family is next Friday and so far not looking forward to it due to so many complications with my sisters fiance, so we will see how that goes. At least when we get down there I will have a free shuttle to parks as well as Epcot passport for Drinking around the world. 9 pints in one day, plus the extra money I have saved up so I can take free shuttle places and just get drunk and hangout around the parks and the pool at the condo. 

Anyways not much to say tonight, just wanted to start getting back to posting more often now that internet and phone is back.

Been working on more blackout poetry so will be uploading some of those soon.

Rough Day and Losing my Insurance

Soo wow been a really tough day. First last week when I went to my doctors she took me off my Adderall thinking that it was part of my insomnia which I had already told her wasnt. so now I am struggling to get by and focus or do anything. Usually I will read or watch movies or tv and lately I have just not been able to do anything and just keep getting waves of bad depression to the point where I stay in bed pretty much all day long except for using the bathroom. 

Tonight and last night the voices got worse. I ended up sitting out on my balcony with my ears covered screaming to get out, leave me alone, I don't want to join you and was hitting my head with my fist and this happened for about 30 minutes from what my mom told me. 

As for tonight I am wide awake and am hearing the voices so much more loudly and seeing the shadows again rising up in corner of my room and the other at the foot of my bed. I tried leaving me room to go in to the bathroom for rest of night but I am also hearing steps out in hallway and the lights are out so that takes away my chances of leaving the room. 

Sticking to just keeping calm take some Xanax and try to focus on music and browsing MPA. The last 2 weeks I have also been struggling really bad with my Anorexia/BED. I know it is a weird combo but it has been rough lately and been stuck between bingeing on food and then purging it all, or I will just not eat anything for days except tea and a piece of fruit or some broccoli. 

Anyways not sure what else to put in here tonight. The Florida trip is coming up and my sisters fiance who I hate and he hates me are causing more and more stress for this trip and driving down, and yet again he gets a free ride there and it all lands on me. Trying to convince my doctor to set me back up with my adderall again for the trip since there is no way i will be able to focus driving down there or focus in the parks, specially with this mental issues and my panic attacks. The bad thing is that I have one last appointment with her on the 28th day before my birthday and if she does not refill it then, then I will no longer have insurance since I am still on my dads which ends on my 26 birthday this year. Which means I will not be able to find the psychiatrist that I need to get my meds and studys done that I need, and no insurance so I can't go check in to rehab or psych ward without being more in debt. which from all my stays and hospital visits alone and the studys I am already behind and am in $110,000 in hospital bills alone.

Anyways that is it for tonight. Trying to get some new blackout poetry and drawings uploaded to the computer to post, hopefully will get that going this week.

Sorry for no new posts lately

Soooo yea I know I have not posted in a while even though I said I want to keep up with this daily. I feel like such a failure. Main reason I haven't posted is one my laptop went to crap and we lost our internet. Also I went to the doctors and my doctor decided to take me off my ADHD meds/Adderall and so I lost like all my energy and focus to do anything but lay in bed and do nothing. I don't think I have left my house in almost 2 weeks. Doctor did put me on Xanax for my panic attacks but I am on such a low dosage that it does not seem to be working. I have been in process of finding a new doctor as well since I have always had problems with the current one. 
Had another appointment with therapist and finally got a psychologist. The only thing is that I am on my parents insurance and it ends on october 29th my birthday this year, so I only have one appointment with my psychologist and need to find new insurance so hopefully I get on this thing called Michigan healthy plan since it says that as long as I am not making more then $13,000 a year which I am not that I am eligible. Buuuutttt from what I have been looking at it might not work to see a psychologist, so got to call the department of health tomorrow. 
The psychologist I say once said that based on what my therapist said and what she knows from what I told her that I can finally get put on some type of anti-psychotic/schizophrenia meds which I am happy about since that is what I been trying to get for so long. Also said that once I get my insurance I may be able to get put on disability as long as I do not work except for online work, which works for me since my main income is from online work that I do. 

So besides all of that, I have been getting more paranoid lately and back to abusing prescription drugs.  :(
also I still have that little bit of heroin that my dealer gave me and still have been fighting urge to not use it since I have been clean for so long but it is soooooo damn tempting. With the paranoia getting worse again this week I have had to use black out paper to cover my windows and the rest of the mirrors around the house, as well as not being able to walk in hallway if a door is open from any of the rooms. When I take a shower I also have to leave the curtain mostly open due to the paranoia/fear that someone is on the other side of it, and I can't turn my back around in shower due to feeling like someone is standing behind me. 

I tried venturing out of the house the other day to see my niece since it has been so long and I got as far as a few miles down the highway before I had to have my mom turn around and take me home due to having panic attacks again. Starting to feel like my agoraphobia is getting worse. (which agoraphobia is "extreme or irrational fear of crowded spaces or enclosed public places" ) so that is another issue.

I have just been trying to keep myself busy at home trying to stay calm and just watch movies, but now that laptop is not working all I have is Netflix and amazon instant video. Also I want so bad to play video games because I can be distracted so easily playing them and not feel fear or paranoid and hours will fly by, but I do not own a system anymore since my Xbox got the red ring of death. On a good note though is my mom said she is going to order me the new 3DS for my birthday and get 2 games so that will keep me occupied and busy for a while and hopefully help keep me calm and distracted from the voices/paranoia/shadows.

I know this post is all random and jumbled, sorry for that I am not the best at writing. Our Florida trip is coming up really soon and we are going with my sister and her fiance, which her fiance and I do not get along AT ALL! and we are driving from Michigan which is nothing new since I drive to Florida once a year for vacation. The trip down is going to miserable with her fiance going, but the good thing is is that he is driving his own car down and my mom will be switching with him driving so I will be able to drive our jeep by MYSELF which will be the best thing for me since I feel at my most comfortable/calm when I am driving and can just put on some of my own music, put windows down and just cruise.
 
Still struggling with my Eating Disorder, but good this is that it has helped me lose quite a bit of weight for the trip, but negative is that I have a big electrolyte imbalance, but I will figure that out, probably try getting powerade powder and keep drinking that to get more electrolytes.

Anyways long post, but will hopefully be able to post more now and really try to post daily, I need to hold myself to it. If there is anyone that can kik me at Lurkingecho and maybe help hold me responsible to update this blog daily I would greatly appreciate. And if anyone is reading from MPA message me on there.